Tough conversations: Just do it!
Your palms are sweaty; you’re rehearsing what you’re going to say over and over in your head. Yep: You’ve got a conversation in front of you that you need to get out of the way.
You’re probably avoiding the conversation or already tried, failed, and are reluctant to try again. It’s easier to stay quiet than bring up a possibly confrontational talk, isn’t it? And as much as we wish they would, they just don’t go away; they often grow, fester, or worse- lead to broken relationships, resentment, and in some cases as dramatic as human disasters.
By definition, a tough conversation is one where the situation affects all parties and involves high levels of emotion, high degrees of risk, and important outcomes for all those involved. Maybe in your case a tough conversation is with your teenager, or with your under-performing team at work. They come in all shapes and sizes.
Today we’re outlining three proven strategies to help you improve your communication skills, and that will equip you when it comes to having positive and productive tough conversations.
When you think about these conversations, it’s no wonder they are so often avoided! But, we all know that the risks of not having these types of conversations often outweigh the risks of having them. So, the question becomes: How can I better prepare myself to be successful?
Try these proven efforts before diving into that tough conversation:
1) Get yourself right – It’s important that before you conduct a tough conversation you get yourself right. This means learning ways to calm your emotions because we all know that when we’re emotional, we’re not able to reason and make good sound decisions. A couple strategies that I’ve found include going for a walk, or taking deep breaths. Another way to get yourself right is to be aware of your own beliefs and thoughts going through your mind. We all create our own “stories,” but whether they are reality-based or just head trash is something of which to be aware. It’s important that you get centered before launching into a tough conversation.
2) Check your motive -Motives define your desired outcomes, and are your reason behind your actions. For example, you have a team member who is not performing to your team’s expectations; you’re the team leader and you need to provide feedback and address the issue. If your motive to criticize and belittle your team member into submission, your conversation will progress differently than if your motive is to provide direct and honest feedback on a performance issue that is impacting the team. So, ask yourself: “What is my motive?”
3) Speak with intention – When you prepare for a tough conversation, make sure you know what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. What works great is to use “I” statements vs. “you” statements, and avoid placing blame, which will put the other person on the defense almost immediately. ‘You’ statements without the ‘I’ tend to elicit defensive responses, which are not what you want. Here is a quick example: “When you said [insert statement], I felt [insert feeling]”; or “I get frustrated when you [insert behavior].” You want to keep the communication lines open, not shut them down.
So here’s my question: Since “getting yourself right” is such an important strategy, what have you done to get yourself right? I’d love to hear from you!
Interesting new research on why people dread Mondays!
According a recent article in USA Today 75% of you indicate the worst and most stressful part of your job is your immediate boss. According to Robert Hogan, a psychologist and expert on personality assessments, the consequences are significant ““ from disengagement to health issues. Hogan goes on to say that “bad managers create enormous health costs and are a major source of misery for many people.”
So what’s the antidote? They say better training for managers, and a more intentional focus on employee engagement.
We are not experts in employee engagement, but we are experts in the learning and development area and so we felt compelled to comment on this recent workplace research. Based on our experience in developing leaders, we do know the following management practices will drive employee engagement and increase your effectiveness as a manager.
Following are three simple practices that will increase your team’s engagement and the perception of you as an effective leader:
- Communicate the “Big Picture” frequently. Ensure your employees understand the big strategic picture of what you’re trying to accomplish including how their contributions fit into that bigger vision. In other words, make sure your people understand the big goals of the organization, and how their contributions enable those big goals to be achieved. According to Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, people need a clear purpose for why do they do what they do. If managers regularly communicate business strategies, then people are more likely to link their daily contributions to those bigger goals and are more connected to purpose.
- Recognize small achievements. According to research by Teresa Amabile, a management professor at Harvard Business, progress is very important when engaging employees. Having small goals that are achievable and attainable, and then recognizing those achievements will greatly affect employee engagement. Craft small goals, then be relentless about attaining success with those goals.
- Develop your team. Professional development is another engagement driver that we as managers can affect. People, and particularly the younger generation, place great value on their development. Take the time to meet with your employees on a quarterly basis, and to discuss what they’re doing well and what they want to change. Twenty plus years ago, I worked for a leader who understood the importance of development. Each month she’d meet with me and we’d have a focused discussion on my development – her development tool? A blank sheet of paper. She would fold the sheet in half, and on the top section we’d make notes on my strengths and what I needed to continue doing. On the bottom half she would discuss what I wanted to work on that would help me be a better leader. My point is don’t overthink development ““ some of those best practices are simple and very user-friendly for both you and your employees.
Honestly, I was shocked at the USA Today article and that 75% of people dread Mondays because of their immediate supervisors. Bottom line – it doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe you’re not in the 75%, but we all could do a better job of engaging and motivating our teams. So my question is what have you found to be effective tool to engage your employees? Are there simple practices that you use regularly? How have you made sure your team understands the big picture of where you’re going strategically? We’d love to hear your ideas. Please provide your comments in the section below.