The Resilient Leader: Deconstructing Self-Talk to Foster Optimism in You and Your Team

During these tough times, optimism can be challenging. But, as leaders, we know our emotions are contagious to our teams and our teams’ emotions are contagious to our business more broadly. Thus, building resilience within ourselves and our teams is critical.

Interestingly, however, many people define “resilience” incorrectly. They think of resilience as muscling through, toughening up, and grinding it out. But research reveals resilience is actually about incorporating consistent, almost ritualistic patterns of thinking and acting. In turn, these patterns allow leaders and teams to stay in a creative space without plunging below the line to reactivity. Today, we’ll unpack some of the patterns of thinking that can lead to resilience by relying on Martin Seligman’s work on “explanatory style.”

I discovered Seligman’s work when my wife was getting her master’s in counseling. I scored “marginally pessimistic” on an optimism test she gave me, and I realized I had some work to do. My wife gave me a copy of Seligman’s book, Learned Optimism. Needless to say, the book has lost none of its relevance. Seligman’s research focuses on a person’s “explanatory style,” which is a term used to describe how someone talks to themselves when faced with adversity. Explanatory style can be broken down across three dimensions:

1. Permanence. Leaders who are optimistic and more resilient see bad situations or events as temporary rather than permanent. For example, they say to themselves, “I didn’t adequately prepare for that presentation” as opposed to “I am always a horrible presenter” or “I never present well.” For the optimist, adversity is temporary and confined in time. For the pessimist, adversity stretches back into the past and/or forward into the future. A fun exercise for observing the concept of permanence is to watch post-game sports interviews with players. How does the player characterize the loss? Did they have a lackluster performance that day? Or is the adversity a permanent characteristic of the team or their season?

2. Pervasiveness. Similar to permanence, pervasiveness describes how an individual confines adversity in space. How broadly does the adverse event permeate? Using the example above, an optimist would confine the adversity to the bad presentation. But a pessimist allows for contagious negativity to spread beyond the adverse incident to other areas. Suddenly, the bad presentation means the person is “not any good at sales” or “not a good fit at this company.”

3. Personalization. Finally, personalization describes how an individual personally characterizes adversity. Personalization doesn’t mean blaming others. A leader can take appropriate ownership of the problem without personalizing the adversity. To use the presentation example again, an optimist confines the adversity to his or her presentation: “My presentation wasn’t very good because I didn’t adequately prepare beforehand.” The optimist owns the lack of preparation but doesn’t internalize the adversity as a deeper problem. Conversely, the pessimist turns the adversity into a deeper reflection of his or her personality traits and internal characteristics more broadly: “I am horrible presenter, I stink at public speaking, and I’m habitually unprepared.”

Often, negative and pessimistic self-talk works across all three dimensions. Still, breaking down the components can sometimes help achieve the mindfulness and clarity to correct negative self-talk. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reactive, or weary, be more aware of your explanatory style and how you’re speaking to yourself.

As Buddha wisely once said: “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded. But once mastered, no one can help you as much, not even your father or your mother.”

COVID’s Silver Linings: Five Things Teams Want to Take with Them to the New Normal

This weekend I sat outside at my favorite local brewery and was immensely grateful that things were beginning to look like pre-COVID times. 

And yet, having facilitated countless Zoom call “check-ins” with our leadership cohort groups, it’s also apparent that many of them don’t miss a lot of things that were part of our everyday life pre-COVID.  As a follow up to the discussion on Leading Through Chaos, here are some of COVID’s silver linings teams want to carry forward: 

Better balance. Some of us have seen more of our families in the last three months than we did in the entire year prior. This time to come together with family has been a completely unexpected gift for many. Carving out time for family can be hard, and yet my hope is we will find ways to achieve this better balance going forward.

Deeper team relationships. Many leadership cohorts were grateful for stronger personal connections among colleagues. Indeed, despite the virtual distance, we’ve connected with our teams more than ever during this pandemic. I’ve heard numerous times how much people have appreciated their boss and colleagues calling in to check on them and their families. This connection among teams not only makes for happier employees but also drives team cohesion and performance.

Quicker decision making. We’ve had to make decisions quickly with imperfect and incomplete information. We’ve had to push the button when we weren’t positive it would work. And surprisingly, many of us have experienced better results. Sometimes we get so bogged down in analysis that we unnecessarily bottleneck our decision-making process.

Cross-functional collaboration. This one I didn’t expect, but teams have described more cross-functional collaboration and cooperation. People are jumping in to help their colleagues and working more collaboratively toward common goals, often moving beyond the confines of their job titles to drive results.

Focusing on the essentials. The challenge (and beauty) of a crisis is that it forces companies to focus on the things necessary to move the business forward. For leaders, this can also mean less micromanagement and greater autonomy for employees. Ironically, this bottom-up empowerment model often drives better results than when managers feel like they can handle it all.

As businesses reopen and life seems to revert to the pre-COVID days, we also know that the world—and business broadly—is an undoubtedly different landscape than it was February. And while it’s easy to slip into our old ways, we need to reflect on what has worked well in the COVID environment. While the weeks at home without restaurants and gyms were a challenge, there were also many silver linings.

We love hearing from our teams; if you would like to share more about your COVID experiences and silver linings, please comment below.

Leading Through Chaos: Embracing the Neutral Zone in Transitions

As we’re starting to move from COVID-19 crisis management and stay-at-home orders, the conversations are shifting—they are more hopeful and encouraging, but cautious. Transitioning to the new normal will undoubtedly be a slow process. And questions abound as to what the “new normal” will look like at home, at our jobs, in our communities, and for our world more broadly.

As we’ve been working with leaders to help them navigate this sea of uncertainty, Bridges’ Transitions Model has provided a particularly helpful framework. Around for almost thirty years, the model helps leaders and organizations understand how to transition from old paradigms and mindsets to new models and ways of being. The model is insightful because it talks about transitions rather than changes. Changes are external and often beyond our control; they are situations and events. Transitions, on the other hand, are internal and within our control; they are how we react to changes. COVID-19 is a (major) change—how will we transition?

The model identifies the three stages individuals and teams experience during change: Ending What Currently Is, the Neutral Zone, and the New Beginning.

Applying Bridges’ Transition Model to the COVID-19 crisis, most of us are now in the neutral zone. We understand there are changes, and the novelty of the situation has started to wear off. We are looking ahead and asking questions. But while there may be a tendency to rush straight through to the end zone, the neutral zone actually poses an opportunity for innovation and thinking anew about how we work and live.

For leaders today, we should use this neutral zone as a time to reflect, explore, and be curious about our prior ways of doing things. Are there opportunities to improve, innovate, and adjust? It is no coincidence that some of the most cutting-edge companies have birthed new creations through chaos in their transition to a new normal.

So, if you’re working with teams, embrace the neutral zone as a field of opportunity to explore new options. Searching for new opportunities may not mean a complete restructuring of your business. It may be as simple as small changes to drive customer value or boost efficiency, or even resolving to do more of what you love.

If anything is certain with COVID-19, it’s uncertainty. Let’s not accelerate too quickly toward our new beginnings. We may miss a golden opportunity to bring something really amazing into the world, our organization, our teams, or our families.

To learn more about making the most of change, you can check out William Bridges’ book, Managing Transitions on Amazon or find a helpful summary here.

Conquering Courageous Conversations: 5 Practices to Keep in Mind.

Courageous conversations. For many leaders the thought of having difficult or tough conversations triggers fear, anxiety, and sheer panic.  The problem is we’re wired to either get angry and argue, or we retreat to a passivity or distancing behavior. Neither are good solutions. And yet my experience with leaders is that leaders can increase their effectiveness individually, and with their teams, if they can start to model and coach others on how to have these conversations in a way that doesn’t send people running in fear.

And so, I want to share strategies and tactics that work well when facilitating these tough, emotionally packed conversations. Here are five things that will up your game:

  1. Focus on purpose and outcomes – focus on what you want to achieve individually, and collectively, with the other person. Effective leaders will directly address why they’re having the conversation and what they hope to achieve (a creative stance). This approach helps people get on a future-focused, forward trajectory vs. getting bogged down in the problems, differences, tension points, etc. (a reactive stance).
  2. Expand your perspective – we use a beach ball in our leadership sessions, and we ask each leader to hold the beach ball up close; and then we ask what they see – the response is typically “blue, red, green – one color.”  Then we have them move the ball outward, so they can see the entire ball. What we stress is leaders need to explore other perspectives, and viewpoints. We have a tendency to see blue, red, orange – and we can’t see the bigger picture. Curiosity is a critical leadership skill to help “see other colors.” Curiosity sounds like: “I’m curious where you’re coming from…”; “I’m interested in how you came to that conclusion”; and “I am frustrated with the situation as well. Challenge me on what I’m seeing going on.”
  3. Suspend or avoid judgment and blame – If you want to trigger another person into a reactive, fearful, defensive state, all you have to do is start placing blame. With these conversations, it’s highly likely people will get into a defensive mode; and so, it’s important to be aware of judging and blaming. A practice to counter this tendency is to reflect on how you’ve contributed to the issue, and then take responsibility for what you own. It’s called personal accountability. When leaders take the lead in this area, others will often step forward and speak to what they are responsible for as well.
  4. Use the “Third Story” to set up the conversation – the Third Story is a strategy/tactic introduced in the book, Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (highly recommend). The Third Story challenges leaders to step back from the situation and describe the issue as if they were a third-party, mediator type, looking at the situation objectively; and then describing the situation from that third-party perspective. What we’ve found is this approach helps people tee-up the issue with less emotion. See chapter 8 in Difficult Conversations.
  5. Be conscious, and I mean very conscious, about what’s going on with you – with our clients we talk a lot about conscious leadership, self-awareness, and recognizing the impact that your inner game has on your outer game. My last point is, be aware of what’s going on in you. Be aware of whether you’re feeling threatened, frustrated, fearful, tense? Be aware of emotions such as frustration, fear, anxieties, anger, etc. When you’re not in present mode and self-aware, you will not be successful in applying the ideas presented in #1-4.

Reformulate Your Schedule to Boost Productivity and Get Your Life Back

Productivity is perhaps one of the most sought-after things of the modern day. Our work lives have trespassed upon our personal hours, and time is an incredibly valuable resource. Moreover, mobile phones, email, social media, and the like have created innumerable distractions that make getting work done that much harder. If you’re like me, some days you find yourself delaying the big project until you can get all the little ones out of the way, and before you know it it’s 3 pm and you haven’t accomplished what you needed to get done. Add the afternoon drowsiness that follows and soon you find yourself clearing your calendar for tomorrow in hopes of achieving your project then. It can be a constant cycle, and yet all of us at one point or another fall victim. It isn’t procrastination in its truest sense, but poor prioritization can be just as unproductive.

So how do you spur creative thinking, efficiency, and productivity? An author by the name of Donald Miller has come up with a way to help us boost productivity in our daily lives that I think holds tremendous value. Miller was struggling with similar challenges as named above, and was in dire need of a creative boost to help get his writing career back on track. Lucky for you and me, Miller did the heavy lifting for us, reading countless books on the psychology of productivity and what drives us to accomplish certain tasks. He compiled his findings into a comprehensive Storyline Productivity Schedule that explains the theory and process in full. For the purposes of this post, however, I’m going to lay out what I believe to be his most valuable and applicable points:

1. Do your most important project first. Miller recommends that you attack your most pressing project first thing in the day. Establish a morning ritual, limit the points of contact with others, sit down, set a timer, and get to work. Thus, unless your project requires you to correspond via email, that means that email should not be the first thing you do in your day (though we all find ourselves checking email first!) There are a few advantages in doing so. One, your brain is the most alert and refreshed first thing in the morning, and thus likely to produce some of your best quality work. Two, it limits the possibilities of distractions that can majorly hamper productivity if its earlier in the morning. Three, it reduces the possibility of experiences that threaten to throw us off our rails, like a frustrating conversation with a coworker or a text message that rubs you the wrong way.

2. Number your three biggest projects in order of importance, and separate them from your other to-do’s. I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but let me expand upon this further, as I believe it is truly important. By separating the to-do’s (like responding to an email, picking up dry cleaning, etc.) from your important projects, you limit the possibility that your whole day slips by you without having done anything that is truly pressing and important. That requires, of course, that you dedicate time to your projects before anything else, or work in some to-do’s between projects to give your brain a break before setting a timer and beginning your next project. Miller recommends you limit your number of projects to three, as anything beyond that is likely to result in a shallow level of engagement and a large amount of task switching.

3. Track the time you spend on each project and log it in your calendar/planner. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have sat down and worked diligently on a project, only to not quite finish it and feel this awful lack of accomplishment. I am the guy that loves to finally check the box — the problem is that we can’t always do that for all projects that we work on throughout the day (don’t we wish!). However, what we can do is track the time that we spend (I like to set a timer for at minimum an hour) and log that as we work on each project. Doing so brings two points of value. One, there is still an inherent sense of accomplishment in dedicating time in your day to a project and being able to write that down. Two, by setting a period of time and keeping track, you are more likely to limit distractions and make that time valuable. It’s a win-win, and something that has dramatically changed how I think about my day and the amount of work that I can get done in a sitting.

Believe me when I say that these recommendations have the ability to absolutely change your day – boosting both quality of output as well as minimizing the time spent drudging through projects. If you are curious about more of Miller’s work and the other intricacies of his productivity schedule, I highly encourage you to click the link above and check it out for yourself. He even has templates that you can print for free that will help you structure your day in the way outlined above, plus other features that he cites add value to your level of productivity. At the very least, try the three points I have laid out above and take back those valuable hours of your day!

Don’t forget your top performers. They need feedback too!

I recently had coffee with a senior leader from a large organization, and he mentioned that he had a new boss and how his new boss was so different from his previous boss, whom he had worked under for more than 10 years. He commented that last month he had received his first performance review in 10 years, and it was quite refreshing.

Given my curious nature, I asked what made it so refreshing, as that is not typically an adjective that I hear when it comes to performance reviews. He responded that the review was overall very good, and that what stuck out was the feedback on his performance that he received during the conversation. His new boss was very specific in what he was doing well, and sited several examples that he had observed over the prior year; and he also identified a couple of areas that, in his opinion, would help this senior leader be more effective. He was again specific on those recommendations, and offered continued support.

 My client’s response to his annual review and feedback was what resonated with me. He commented that for 10 years he had gotten used to being left alone and only heard from his previous boss when there was a numbers issue. No feedback, no reviews, and no calls unless something was wrong. He said that he had gotten used to no feedback, and had learned to make up his own feedback!

What surprised him was two things: 1) he didn’t realize how much he missed getting specific feedback; and 2) he thought he didn’t need feedback, when in reality he valued feedback far more than he ever thought.

 So here’s the takeaway. Never underestimate the positive effects of feedback and how important it is even for your high performers. As leaders, it’s not uncommon to neglect our high performers because we get busy with other issues and rationalize to ourselves that they don’t need feedback and coaching because they’re doing so well.

 If you haven’t given feedback to one of your strong performers lately, you know that one who is doing their job and is doing it well…then, reach out now and share some feedback. They just might find your conversation (and feedback) refreshing!

What Every Leader Needs to Know About Coaching

In our coaching workshops, we differentiate between management, feedback, and coaching conversations. It’s important for managers to differentiate between the three types of conversations, and determine when to use the different approaches. To review, management conversations are focused on advising, giving instructions, and directing the conversation to help your team members get specific things done. Feedback conversations focus on past behaviors to help people understand the impact of their behaviors, and what needs to change going forward. Coaching conversations are future-focused, and are used to engage, motivate, and empower people to achieve goals that they care about, and ultimately elevate their capabilities by unleashing their potential.

In my last blog, I mentioned a leader that I’m coaching who received feedback that he was not coaching his people enough, and that his team members wanted more “coaching.” He was taken aback, and couldn’t decipher why they weren’t “feeling the love,” to use his language.

We reviewed what true coaching is, and what he needed to change going forward. During that discussion, we reviewed seven practices that make the biggest difference in one’s ability to coach effectively.

1)      Establish the purpose of your meeting right from the start. Clarify that the purpose of the conversation is to advance them, not address issues and problem solve. A useful tool is the How I Want to be Coached form. It’s a great way to set the tone for coaching right from the start.

2)      Start the conversation by asking what they want to discuss.  Agree to a goal or outcome for the conversation.

3)      Ask insightful questions. Use “how” and “what” questions to open the conversation, such as: What are you working on? What are you trying to accomplish? How is your style affecting your effectiveness? Avoid having the conversation migrate to others. Keep it focused on them, and how they can change tomorrow.

4)      Challenge beliefs that could be limiting their effectiveness. Challenge your coachee to be more aware of beliefs and assumptions that may be getting in the way of them showing up in a way that they believe will help them.

5)      Listen for understanding. Your job is to facilitate the conversation so they can explore options and discover different ways to move forward. If you tend to jump in and problem solve, push your pause button. Ask questions, and listen deeply.

6)      Narrow the focus. Once they have identified options to move forward, help them narrow the options. Ask them which of the options resonate most with them. If they have too many options, nothing will get done.

7)      Follow-up and support. Marshall Goldsmith and Howard Morgan wrote a great article entitled Leadership is a Contact Sport, and in the article they outlined the importance of follow-up, support, and encouragement. Remember that all it takes is one question, one check-in, to see how things are going.

As we concluded our own coaching conversation, it was obvious that his “coaching” conversations were more about reacting to problems, dealing with people issues, and task management; and not about advancing his team members. He has since responded by implementing 1:1 monthly meetings that are focused on true coaching.

Why Managers Think They’re Coaching When They’re Not!

I recently worked with a leader who received feedback on a 360 that indicated his coaching of his direct reports was negligible. After giving it some thought, he still disagreed with the feedback. When we discussed the feedback, his argument continued to be, “Hey, I meet with my people at least every month, sometimes weekly. So, I don’t understand why they don’t think they’re getting coaching!” This is not an unusual response to this type of feedback, so let’s explore this disconnect…because there is a big disconnect.

My experience, having worked with hundreds of managers, is that it comes down to the quality and type of conversation that they’re having with their team members. Some managers  don’t understand what “real coaching” looks like.  They believe that meetings focused on project updates, pipeline reports, and operational issues are coaching discussions. They are not. These are management conversations, and should be differentiated from coaching conversations.

Coaching is a practice to develop an individual’s knowledge, skills, and abilities so they can achieve their maximum potential. Coaching is about helping individuals expand their awareness and discover options for moving forward on what they care about. Coaching is grounded in listening, asking questions, and exploring alternatives to create the results the coachee wants. I like the way John Zenger and Kathleen Stinnett in their book titled, The Extraordinary Coach, further define coaching: “Coaching helps individuals discover answers within themselves and helps them feel more personally empowered. The coach is also dedicated to helping to ensure the implementation and long-term follow-through of planned actions.”

The question I had for the leader who received the feedback on his coaching was, are you coaching or are you having a management discussion during your 1:1 meetings? The answer was clear for him. They have been directive management meetings versus true coaching conversations.

What types of conversations are you having with your people? If you’re having discussions on career aspirations, personal goals, self-limiting beliefs, and professional development objectives – you’re operating in the coaching genre. If you’re talking about projects, deadlines, process issues, etc. you’re having management conversations.

Next, I will share seven practices that the best coaches use to engage, empower, and motivate their teams to higher levels of performance.

How to Get Your Team to Be More Courageous

During my career, I’ve worked with senior and executive teams to increase the effectiveness of their collective leadership.  One of the big skill areas that correlate to whether a team is high performing or not is what we call “Courageous Authenticity.” Put simply, does a team have the capacity to be real with each other; do they share their opinions openly; do they consider other perspectives without judgment; and do they hold the team interests above their own.

Over the past few months I’ve had several  teams identify this leadership competency as an area they want to grow and develop so it becomes part of their operating system. So, here are two ways to help your team be more courageous and real with each other.

1)      Be confident with your own identity, and share your opinions. When tensions arise, people often feel their identity is being threatened – examples include competence, need to be liked, etc. When threatened, people either get defensive or retreat. It’s impossible to be courageously authentic when you’re in a defensive orientation. I coach my clients to anchor back to the belief that they are entitled to their own opinions, just as others are entitled to their viewpoints. When expressing your opinions or as I say speaking your truth, you’ve got to be confident in your own identity and not worry about what others think. If you fear rejection, you’ll either go into fight mode or retreat. Bottom line, be confident with your own identity, and speak your truth even though it may ruffle some feathers. Advocate for yourself.

2)      The second way to be courageously authentic is to understand where others are coming from. There are three behaviors to start practicing as was outlined in Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen: Inquire, Paraphrase, and Acknowledge.

Let’s start with the ability to inquire. By asking solid open-ended questions, without judgment or blame, you can start to understand their story. Asking good insightful questions will mitigate defensiveness. The second practice is paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is about replaying back what you are hearing to ensure you are getting it. Phrasing such as “I’m hearing that you and your team are feeling threatened by this new policy, is that correct?” And lastly, people need acknowledgement to feel valued. They need to know their opinions matter and that they matter. Acknowledging does not mean that you’re agreeing with them, it simply means you understand and are hearing their position. Acknowledgment phrasing sounds like, “I now see where you’re coming from and I understand your concerns.” You have not agreed with them, just acknowledged their viewpoint and/or position.

If team leaders start to practice these two skill areas, their level of courageous authenticity will increase. And as we know from our work with The Leadership Circle, courageous authenticity is one of those power competencies that impact all aspects of a team’s performance.

If you have ideas and suggestions to help teams show up more courageously, post your comments and join the discussion!

The Power (of the) Nap

People have long searched for the remedy to the afternoon exhaustion that sets in,   leaving them tired and unproductive. Employees often sip coffee or pound energy drinks   in an attempt to stifle their grogginess. But research indicates the best thing you can do to improve your alertness, mood, and productivity, is simply take a power nap. Power naps have proven to be extremely effective in combating the effects of sleep deprivation and boosting productivity during the mid-day lull. In a research study conducted by the NASA sleep researchers, a short power nap of just 26 minutes boosted the performance of their pilots by an impressive 34%.

The act of napping shouldn’t be viewed as laziness or lethargy, but rather an essential part of the day. Winston Churchill was a major fan of naps, saying, “You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner… Don’t think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day.”

In the corporate world, a power nap may be a hard thing to implement. Companies like Google have established extravagant places for their employees to nap, referred to as the Energy Pods. But for those who aren’t lucky enough to enjoy the exuberant benefits provided by companies like Google, we may have to adjust our thinking on the   implementation of napping into the work place. Based on the statistics, napping will increase employee productivity. For managers, power napping should be something   that is encouraged. The best investment you make in your business might just be a comfortable place for employees to slip away for a quick nap. For employees working in an environment where napping is taboo, look for a quiet place during your lunch hours. At the very least, try napping when you get home. It could seriously improve your mood   during the evenings, and increase performance for any leftover work you have.

Here are some quick tips to get the most out of your power naps:

  • Go dark and quiet. The body is most able to fall asleep in this setting. If this  means goofy earplugs and an eye mask, so be it.
  • Keep it short. A power nap should only last between 20 and 30 minutes. Napping for too long can actually increase grogginess.
  • Be consistent. Try to shoot for napping at the same time each day so your body gets accustomed to napping and you will fall asleep faster.

So the next time you go to pour your fourth cup of coffee in an attempt to push through the afternoon, remember the power of napping. It will boost productivity, performance, mood, and alertness, and leave you feeling ready to take on the rest of your day.