Tough conversations: Just do it!

Tough conversations: Just do it!

Your palms are sweaty; you’re rehearsing what you’re going to say over and over in your head. Yep: You’ve got a conversation in front of you that you need to get out of the way.

You’re probably avoiding the conversation or already tried, failed, and are reluctant to try again. It’s easier to stay quiet than bring up a possibly confrontational talk, isn’t it? And as much as we wish they would, they just don’t go away; they often grow, fester, or worse- lead to broken relationships, resentment, and in some cases as dramatic as human disasters.

By definition, a tough conversation is one where the situation affects all parties and involves high levels of emotion, high degrees of risk, and important outcomes for all those involved. Maybe in your case a tough conversation is with your teenager, or with your under-performing team at work. They come in all shapes and sizes.

Today we’re outlining three proven strategies to help you improve your communication skills, and that will equip you when it comes to having positive and productive tough conversations.

When you think about these conversations, it’s no wonder they are so often avoided! But, we all know that the risks of not having these types of conversations often outweigh the risks of having them. So, the question becomes: How can I better prepare myself to be successful?

Try these proven efforts before diving into that tough conversation:

1)      Get yourself right – It’s important that before you conduct a tough conversation you get yourself right. This means learning ways to calm your emotions because we all know that when we’re emotional, we’re not able to reason and make good sound decisions. A couple strategies that I’ve found include going for a walk, or taking deep breaths. Another way to get yourself right is to be aware of your own beliefs and thoughts going through your mind. We all create our own “stories,” but whether they are reality-based or just head trash is something of which to be aware. It’s important that you get centered before launching into a tough conversation.

2)      Check your motive -Motives define your desired outcomes, and are your reason behind your actions. For example, you have a team member who is not performing to your team’s expectations; you’re the team leader and you need to provide feedback and address the issue.  If your motive to criticize and belittle your team member into submission, your conversation will progress differently than if your motive is to provide direct and honest feedback on a performance issue that is impacting the team. So, ask yourself: “What is my motive?”

3)      Speak with intention – When you prepare for a tough conversation, make sure you know what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. What works great is to use “I” statements vs. “you” statements, and avoid placing blame, which will put the other person on the defense almost immediately. ‘You’ statements without the ‘I’ tend to elicit defensive responses, which are not what you want. Here is a quick example: “When you said [insert statement], I felt [insert feeling]”; or “I get frustrated when you [insert behavior].” You want to keep the communication lines open, not shut them down.

So here’s my question: Since “getting yourself right” is such an important strategy, what have you done to get yourself right?  I’d love to hear from you!